


Sh(r)ed Your Old Skin

by falloutboiruto



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, written like a screenplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 04:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21293720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/falloutboiruto
Summary: The cast of Queer Eye(2018) braves an interdimensional time/space portal to give out a makeover to none other than Orochimaru!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Sh(r)ed Your Old Skin

**Author's Note:**

> so. this exists. i wrote it like a screenplay for the ~aestethic~. technically this is RPF but it doesn't speculate on any real peoples' personal relationships at all, it's just cracky fun
> 
> beta read by: reaperduckling

A large car is driving down a tiny, dwindling road much too small for it.

VOICEOVER: QUEER EYE faces a new challenge today, as they have braved a time/space portal and been transported into another dimension, and to the Land of Fire.

Internal shot of the car. TAN FRANCE, JONATHAN VAN NESS, KARAMO BROWN, ANTONI POROWSKI, and BOBBI BERK are sitting in the car, talking.

TAN, fashion expert: So, those giant time/space worms sure were scary….

JONATHAN, grooming expert: Don’t mention them again, I’ll have a heart attack!

KARAMO, culture and lifestyle expert: Guys, focus! Today’s makeover subject is none other than a local famed-

KARAMO squints at the paper he’s reading from.

KARAMO: …convicted felon?

JONATHAN: Uh, awkward.

KARAMO: Our guest, OROCHIMARU, was submitted to us by their ‘unnamed goon'. According to our mystery submitter, ever since OROCHIMARU was convicted of (REDACTED), they have been on permanent house arrest and never really gotten their groove back. Our source tells us that it has made them distant with their two sons, LOG and MITSUKI and that they need help connecting with their kids and themselves again.

ANTONI, food and wine expert: Aw!

BOBBI, design expert: We’ve also been told that they live in a cave house, so that could be very interesting.

Pan out to a shot of OROCHIMARU’S cave house.

BOBBI: God, it’s huge!

-

The QUEER EYE is talking to the local police officials about entering the premises. Somber music plays.

TAN: So, basically, we’re from another dimension. We actually don’t speak the same language but we can understand each other because of this translation amulet a witch gave us.

He shows the police officer the amulet.

YAMATO, head captain of the force positioned here: I guess you can go through. They don’t pay me enough for this.

JONATHAN: Yay!

JONATHAN runs around in a circle. The others join him.

YAMATO: Anyways.

The QUEER EYE crew knocks on the rock surrounding an opening to the cave. SUIGETSU, a man tired of this shit already, answers.

SUIGETSU: Oh, good, you’re here. Took you long enough.

ANTONI: So, you’re our mystery submitter? The ‘unnamed goon’?

SUIGETSU: More like underpaid bitch-boy. Do you know that OROCHIMARU once made me give them long nasty acrylic toenails? They didn’t even wear them for more than a few hours, they just wanted to see how their kids would react. MITSUKI just said that they looked awful and walked off so it wasn’t even that funny!

KARAMO: OROCHIMARU seems like a troubled person. Can you tell us more about them?

SUIGETSU: Whatever, I guess. So my boss, OROCHIMARU, has basically been a crime mogul for I don’t know how many years, doing (REDACTED) experiments and the like. About 15 years ago they and their favorite disciple went, uh, opposite ways, and they lost their mojo. Now they just play mind games on their own kids and I’m sick of it. It creates so much unnecessary work for me.

JONATHAN: You mean like the toenails?

SUIGETSU: Yeah, that. And (REDACTED), and (REDACTED). And also, (REDACTED).

Somber music plays, and the QUEER EYE crew follows SUIGETSU into the cave house.

-

They all arrive in a common area. OROCHIMARU is sitting in their pajamas on a couch, eating potato chips.

OROCHIMARU: Who are all these guys? I don’t like that guy’s beard, it’s stupid.

SUIGETSU: They’re the Fab Five from the TV show QUEER EYE. They’re coming here to give you a makeover.

OROCHIMARU looks the crew up and down menacingly.

OROCHIMARU: Interesting…. Care for some tea?

OROCHIMARU gets up, walks to a small kitchenette area, puts a kettle on boil, and pulls out 5 mugs out of a cupboard.

ANTONI: I could go for some tea!

The rest of the crew murmur approvingly.

The kettle switches off, and OROCHIMARU pours boiling water in all of the cups. Then, they pull out a dead rat out of their pocket and dips the rat in all of the cups, like one would with a tea bag.

OROCHIMARU: Come get your tea.

All of the members of the QUEER EYE crew scream like they are in a haunted house.

OROCHIMARU: ‘Gotcha. So, what’s this makeover?

SUIGETSU is crying from exhaustion in a corner.

KARAMO(uncomfortable): Ha-ha! Well, let’s get started!

-

SUIGETSU: This place is a madhouse with OROCHIMARU around. I just want them to stop playing mind games on people.

INTERVIEWER: Like the rat tea?

SUIGETSU: It gets worse.

CUT to OROCHIMARU standing with the QUEER EYE crew.

KARAMO: So, you have two kids?

OROCHIMARU: I have more in the basement lab. But yes, for now, I have two. Do you want to talk to them? They're both home actually, MITSUKI needed a check-up.

The QUEER EYE crew looks around uncomfortably. TAN mouths “basement?”.

Enter MITSUKI, an adorable tween with slim social skills.

MITSUKI: Oh, so these were the guys that were making so much noise. It hurts my ears.

CUT to an interview with MITSUKI.

MITSUKI: I don't know what to think of my parent. They did a (REDACTED) experiment on me and I think it changed my personality drastically? Anyways, I don't live here. I try to avoid coming here.

A snake slithers out of MITSUKI's sleeve and the 'behind the camera'-crew scream loudly.

MITSUKI: See, now you’re making too much noise again. I should leave.

He walks off camera.

CUT to an interview with LOG, an exact replica of MITSUKI except in his twenties.

LOG: Uh, I live here. Full time. I help out my parent and stuff. Look, don’t ask me about anything behind the scenes, I’m not made to think critically about anything.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hobbies?

LOG: I play Offices and Deadlines, a table-top roleplaying game based on the inner workings of a 9-to-5 desk job, with SUIGETSU and YAMATO. That’s it.

INTERVIEWER: It actually sounds pretty fun.

LOG(zoomed in): It isn’t.

CUT to KARAMO.

KARAMO: I have a lot of work to do.

-

JONATHAN and OROCHIMARU are standing in a bathroom, looking at hair products.

JONATHAN: You know, you scared me to death with that rat tea prank earlier….

OROCHIMARU: I did? Good. Anyway, shoo. My hair is perfect the way it is.

JONATHAN runs out of the bathroom screaming. CUT to Orochimaru standing, chuckling to themselves, just having ripped their face skin off to reveal a new, identical face underneath.

-

BOBBI is taking measurements of the walls in the common living area.

OROCHIMARU: What are you doing?

BOBBI: Well, I’m thinking that I’m going to give this room a lil’ makeover. I’m not going to touch the rooms with lab equipment in them, but this room I can spruce up.

OROCHIMARU: Oh. Don’t let the wall snakes bite you….

BOBBI: What?

OROCHIMARU walks off, laughing, and we hear BOBBI scream in the distance.

-

ANTONI is packing up some newly-bought kitchen supplies in the kitchenette area. 

ANTONI: So, OROCHIMARU… I did some research because I didn’t know what kind of cuisine your dimension has. Turns out that this region has an extremely similar food culture to a country in my dimension called Japan, so I’ve already gotten the gist of it, I think.

OROCHIMARU: OK.

ANTONI: So, I’m thinking that I’ll teach you to make a really nice home-cooked meal for your family. Is there any dish that you usually prepare for them?

OROCHIMARU: Uh, no. SUIGETSU cooks, you should talk to him.

OROCHIMARU leaves.

CUT to ANTONI standing in the kitchenette with SUIGETSU. ANTONI seems very upset.

SUIGETSU: At least they didn’t prank you and show you a bottle of wine with rat blood in it.

ANTONI: Ew!

-

TAN is going through OROCHIMARU’S closet.

TAN: You have so many lovely pieces here, it’s just that they’re all the same outfit. It’s like you’re a cartoon character.

OROCHIMARU: Maybe so. I need to keep a certain dress code since I work in a lab.

TAN: But what about when you’re meeting friends, outside of your work?

OROCHIMARU: That never happens. Ciao!

OROCHIMARU saunters off. Zoom in on TAN rolling his eyes.

-

KARAMO: So, OROCHIMARU has turned out to be a…difficult makeover subject. So, I’ve called their family here for an intervention.

OROCHIMARU enters the room. KARAMO, LOG, and MITSUKI are sitting on chairs in a circle. There is one chair left, and KARAMO points to it.

KARAMO: Sit down.

OROCHIMARU: Boo. What is this? It looks stupid.

They sit down anyway.

KARAMO: We brought your two sons here so we could have an open discussion about feelings! Say, LOG, why don’t you go first.

LOG: Uh… But that would mean independent thought. I don’t do that.

OROCHIMARU: And that’s why you’re a failure.

KARAMO: Whoa, hey, no! Not that kind of language!

MITSUKI: I sometimes wonder what kind of person I was before you did those experiments on me. I just feel so weird and confused now. Also, that thing about making me imprint on (NAME REDACTED) was not great, I have no idea going on with my emotions now.

LOG: Wait, you knew that we set you up with (NAME REDACTED)?

MITSUKI: Of course. Just because I’m a child doesn’t mean I’m stupid. Anyway, because you did that, I can’t tell if I have a regular crush on (NAME REDACTED) or if I’m just brainwashed to idealize him. It’s not fun.

OROCHIMARU: Interesting. I’ll add ‘sexuality confusion’ as a possible side effect to the conditioning treatment you went through. That could help my research when I eventually get to the other clones.

KARAMO looks straight into the camera like he wants to clobber OROCHIMARU with a shoe.

KARAMO: …OK. LOG, do you have anything more to say?

LOG: Maybe? Uh, I’d like to have game nights more often, right now you only allow me to have them once a year…

OROCHIMARU: No.

LOG: OK…

LOG looks sad.

KARAMO’S face twitches.

KARAMO: OROCHIMARU, you are the most unsupportive parent I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. Your youngest is struggling with his sexuality, and all you have to say to that is ‘interesting’? And your oldest just wants to have fun, but you won’t let him have it?

OROCHIMARU: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

They leave their chair, swagger out the doorway, and don’t come back. LOG and MITSUKI both look very upset and anxious.

KARAMO: Boys, I have a plan….

-

The Fab Five are getting ready to leave.

JONATHAN: Well, I guess this week was kind of a bust.

KARAMO: Maybe.

KARAMO'S eyes shift to left and right like he's hiding something.

TAN: Uh, ok.

TAN tries to put his bag in the trunk of the car, but KARAMO stops him.

KARAMO: Just put your bag in your lap. I’ll explain later, but we have to leave right now.

TAN: What…?

KARAMO: Shh, just go!

They all get in the car and drive away as fast as they can.

-

SIX MONTHS LATER

CUT to OROCHIMARU drinking some rat tea alone in their cave house hideout. Suddenly, OROCHIMARU chokes on the tea.

OROCHIMARU: The Fab Five… They took LOG and MITSUKI! And SUIGETSU hasn’t been here for months!

CUT to SUIGETSU frolicking in a field.

SUIGETSU, wearing a flower crown: Yeah, I quit my old job. OROCHIMARU can suck my (REDACTED).

CUT back to OROCHIMARU. They sit down on the sofa again, pop open a bag of chips, and turn on the TV.

OROCHIMARU: Whatever.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> and then karamo became log and mitsuki's new dad BYE
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you've enjoyed this :3


End file.
